Good Evening Nusa Lembongan,

Just another blond girl here reporting on the ups and downs of living in paradise…

I have been waking up before 6:30am every single morning of this holiday, sometimes even before 6am. I haven’t tried to do this. The birds wake me up. The faint rays of smoky sunlight wake me up. The subtle murmur of the first few motorbikes hugging the empty roads wake me up. The cold air from the air conditioner wakes me up.

For some reason, as the night goes on, my perception of the 23 degrees set on the thermostat (which began as sweet relief) convinces my body to crouch into a little ball to prevent the shivers from disturbing my rest. I’ve tried changing the temperature, but the crouched position and the sensation of cold arrives nonetheless.

This morning we chose to leave Ubud after three days of yoga, bargaining in crowded markets and wandering the vegan café-ridden streets.

The previous ten days of surfing and racing around the busy streets of Canggu and Uluwatu led us to search for rest in this hilltop town nestled between the shadows of silent volcanoes. At first I wasn’t sure about this ‘spiritually evolved community’ overflowing with eager yoga students from all corners of the world.

I wasn’t sure about the restaurants producing copious amounts of raw food, smoothies and vegetarian delights serving hundreds of picky Westerners each minute. The needs are consistently met with eagerness and obvious gratitude from the Indonesian providers while just outside the streets overflow with scrumptious local food and fresh tropical fruit for an 18^th of the cost.

Have we lost our ability and yearning to experience a culture authentically? Do we travel to other corners of the globe and cringe at the slightest discomfort or are we simply being duped?

Ubud’s obvious contradictions have led me to use the word contrived to describe some of my surroundings. Maybe I am cynical? Maybe I am observing the space through sarcastic sunglasses?

There are certainly parts of Ubud that I love – the cafes, the friends, the diverse yoga teachings, the fresh food, the busy markets and bustling streets. It’s all very confusing as these are also the things I dislike about the town as they seem to merely be there for us, the foreigners, and this makes me wonder whether Ubud’s original charm has evaporated completely?

It’s fascinating, I notice that I observe the beauty around me, or lack there of depending on my current state of mind…

Sitting in the worshipped café at the Yoga Barn, eavesdropping on the conversations of travelling seekers from all over the globe, I sense that even the seemingly conscious population is obsessed with solving the unknowns of life?

Are these seekers (myself included) trapped in a constant state of questioning, trying so very hard to remain awake and present and curious but are in reality entrapped in a suffocating state of fixing that drowns presence?

The start time of the next yoga class urges crowds of colourful, organic cotton legs past the temples, stray dogs and desperate locals. Were the surroundings even noticed? Have we allowed our end goal to desensitise ourselves from our environment?

Can I skip the self-interrogation for a few days and accommodate the tangible beauty right now by stopping and looking?

I don’t know?

I’m actually sick of looking for answers.

Maybe I’ll sit back and let the answers come to me…or wait…maybe stop needing answers all together? Wouldn’t that be a relief?!

I shall simply live and Bali will naturally seep in for my last few days in paradise.

When my mind is beautiful my body is beautiful. When my mind is crowded, lethargic and inflamed, my stomach bulges, my shoulders stiffen and stained purple crescent moons crowd my dull eyes.

The quality of food I put in my body must have some negative and positive affect on my vitality and appearance but my mind controls the way I believe others see me. I’m pretty sure they shift between watching a confident, giggling and voluptuous woman and a quiet confused plain blond girl – one who could blend into any crowd of other blond girls.

There’s nothing wrong with these shifts. I would, of course prefer to exist in the assertive skin more often than not but the shy moments when I hide in self-judgment are the ones that keep me grounded. They keep me humble and empathetic to the harsh interpretations I can place on the world depending on my state of positivity.

The way I see you right now is a result of my state of my mind. I have considered that everything I notice potentially reflects that which I acknowledge in myself.

Beauty exists not in the eyes of the interpreter but from the mind of the interpreter. How I see is how I am thinking. What I see is what I am thinking.

After a couple of days in Ubud, I saw beautiful moments and disturbing ones – they shifted as I shifted and I liked watching the movement…instead of judging the confusion I sat curiously. The flowers in between the buildings and the starving beggar reaching desperately towards my purse were both highlighted and hidden as the fluctuations of thought bounced around in my head.

This evening I rest on a tropical turquoise island. Everything here seems beautiful. My home is a small wooden beach hut less than one hundred metres from the oceans’ lips. The infinity pool jealously watches the waves a few feet from her edge. The rooster squawks again. The sun begins to set, spreading beams of magenta across the untouched sky.

There – I guess that tells you I am very happy tonight and that’s really all that matters right now anyways!

xx